Wednesday, November 18, 2015

#pmqsketch War and peace and Jeremy.

In Paris the French declared war on Islamic State; in London the Labour Party declared war on itself - again.
Just when you thought it could not get any worse for the people’s party, it did.

To be fair Labour has been in conflict since Jeremy got the top job with the fulsome support of almost none of his MPs.
Would today’s Prime Ministers Questions help heal the breach - no chance.

The plan had been to stage a statesmanlike performance following confusion over his weekend comments on events in France.
Last night he and Dave had attended the England France game at Wembley and more entente cordial was expected today.

But world events apart, overnight Jeremy and his minders decided to proceed with their own revolution inside the Labour Party.
Ken Livingstone, whose demise had only been fondly imagined on the party’s right wing, was coming back to take a major role in the “wither-Trident” debate yet to further split the party.

As MPs digested this happy news, one had the temerity to question Ken’s appointment. 
The man was clearly a nutter, was the gist of Ken’s considered response,and should seek psychiatric help.

Cries of “foul and apologise” went up as the MP in question had formerly admitted mental health issues.
Ken’s reply did not contain the word “bollocks”, but you get the general idea.

Back in the Commons Jeremy was trying to slip into the statesman’s suit but, like the rest of his kit, it didn’t fit.
He’d entered the chamber to the now-traditional silence that greets his appearance.

He may have to be issued with a bell in future to ring in warning of his imminent arrival but a handful of Tories practising irony sufficed for today.

Matters-Livingstone meant that the Labour front bench was in for scrutiny rather then the usual Tory suspects.
Indeed the normally inscrutable features of Theresa May almost cracked into a grimace as she stared across the aisle.

France might be on the agenda but iPhones meant everyone was on on the latest Ken v the world contest.
As a tasty aside Jeremy had not told his shadow Defence Secretary Maria Eagle - a Trident supporter - of his plans to staple Ken to her shoulder.

Maria could not be seen but there was twin sister Angela, a big beast on Jeremy’s team, in stabbing distance right next to him.
And on his other side, Tom Watson his deputy, deserved inheritor of the Vince Cable gargoyle of the week award.

It’s not that Angela glared but Jeremy should check his jacket for scorch marks - or maybe extra scorch marks in his case.
If Theresa May had known how to smile she would have done.

With Dave promising to bring before parliament his plans to take the UK into military conflict in Syria, Jeremy decided to talk about anything else.
After a few asides, he introduced John, from parts unknown, who wanted to ask a question.

John wanted to know, he said, if he would be protected after the feared cuts in the police budget.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the Prime Minister silently thanked his god for the Labour Party.

There seems to be some confusion on the Labour front bench today, he said as his boys cheered with relief. Statesmanship always worries them.

What the police really wanted know is what Jeremy thought they should do when facing a “kalashnikov-waving terrorist”, said Dave.
Any mention of munitions always gets the recidivists in the Tory Party going and braying broke out.

Jeremy tried his contempt look but the PM had already booked all the supplies available.
Tom looked like something from the front of York Minster and the rest got busy with their shoes.

 Later on the other opposition, the SNP, asked about Britain and war in Syria but by then Labour was back playing the Ken game.

Jeremy said Ken should say sorry and eventually Ken he said he was - but not very.
This one will run and run - and the war.