Wednesday, November 25, 2015

#pmqsketch "John, Mao, George and Jeremy."

It was when he produced Mao’s little red book out of his jacket pocket that John McDonnell set a new standard of surrealism in the House of Commons.
To be fair it had not been his day so far and for an old fashioned leftie, perhaps the thoughts of Mao Tse-tung would be a comfort.

To set the scene, the Shadow Chancellor was there to mark the latest humiliation of his oppo Chancellor George.
He was in it up to his neck over plans to slash tax credits for the working poor not to mention pruning police numbers in his campaign to cut the national debt.

John knew that George, the man who would be the next Prime Minister, had wisely promised to think again.
But with George’s track record and judicious leaks to the papers only a partial climb down was forecast and his shadow was ready to pounce.

Earlier the present Prime Minister and the present Leader of the Opposition had met for a slight waltz at PMQs before George presented his autumn statement.
With Labour now in total disarray, Jeremy again avoided any topic of current controversy with a foray instead into next week’s climate talks.

As his front bench looked dully on, their leader introduced Ziggy, Israel and Jay, worried about their apprenticeships, into the proceedings.
Having now cracked Jeremy’s approach, Dave looked bored and his MP’s didn’t even bother to boo.  

Meanwhile on the Government side George at least had the good grace to look slightly nervous.
He’d arrived early in the Commons having made the four hundred yard journey by chauffeur-driven, accompanied all the way by the BBC News helicopter.

Having arrived safely, speech in hand and Caesar haircut touched up, he suffered the irrelevance of PMQs as he waited his turn.

At one stage he did prise a smile out of Theresa May as she no doubt contemplated his imminent humiliation.
And looking on in anticipation, Boris Johnson who’d turned up early enough to grab a front row seat.

Scene set, Dave finally sat down and the man who would be king stood up.
You have to hand it to George who had clearly checked all the scrap metal yards in London for all the brass necks he could find.

From the off everything was fantastic, his forecasts, his plans and his ambitions.
Dave sat behind him chortling with the self-satisfied smile of someone, for once, not in the firing line.

His backbenchers, fearful of what was to come,turned up their volume to drown out the worst.
Labour MPs looked almost cheerful since most detest George more than they do their own leader.

But then he did them all.
No cuts to tax credits.No cuts to the police.
TheTories went tonto, Labour went silent, John McDonnell went a whiter shade of pale.

It was then, or about then, that Chairman Mao resurrected himself and rode to the rescue.
Into his pocket went the Shadow Chancellor and out came the little red book.

A dozen Tory MPs looked as if they were about to suffer a pulmonary arrest as did twice that number the Labour side.
Even Jeremy looked slightly interested as his buddy dusted it off and threw it in George’s direction.

The Chairman, said John, had written,”We should not pretend to know what we did not know”.
It must’ve seemed a brilliantly funny idea to hand George the thoughts of Mao as he was on the ropes - but he wasn’t.

John did remind Tory MPs that their Chancellor had let them down in the past and  they should check the detail.
But by now Speaker Bercow was getting quotes from scaffolders to get various members off the ceiling.

It’s not been Labour’s week, month, year and tomorrow Dave produces his plans for Syria.

Jeremy will then meet his Shadow Cabinet and ask what they think.
He plays to ask them again on Monday - after they have “discussed” it with their constituencies.
 This one will run and run and run and run……..