Thursday, May 14, 2015

The end of history.

The pub finally shrugged off its shock and awe at the election result late on Monday when Arsenal lost to Swansea. 

Actually the shrugging had come on Saturday but, Primrose Hill felt the need to mark 5 more years of hard times for the poor for at least two more days as a matter of form. 

Luckily the arrival of Andrew Marr in the boozer attired in a white suit of Martin Bell proportions signalled the official end of mourning.

The general election was immediately put in place as a regular asked him what he’d been up to recently.

After this existential outlook it was obviously open season on any totally unconnected questions that came to mind. At that stage someone asked; “what is a Jeremy Hunt.”

This column has long maintained that this question should form part of any PPE syllabus.It has oft been asked over the last five years but never answered - rhyming slang being not allowed. So explain, on one sheet of foolscap (or its electronic equivalent) why he is back in the cabinet?

The demise of the News of the World means we may never know just what are the photographs JH
possesses to guarantee his career.

Luckily for us, he only has the NHS to look after. It could be worse, you could be one of the world’s dispossessed.

Just when you thought it could not get any worse, a new slogan has been added to their aid parcel: Grant is coming.

You have to ask the starving what they have done to Dave to make him send Shapps.G. (his current name) to the Department for International Development.

He was, of course chairman of the Conservative Party during the recent manoeuvres which led to Ed M fleeing the country.

Having put good use to the telling of political porkies in which he had shown an early aptitude, he was hoping for earthly rewards.

Instead, his adjacentness to the truth has earned him the job of deputy to Justine Greening dumped on Development in the last parliament for having an opinion on HS2.

Dave now plans to make the Tory Party the new workers party and has therefore replaced Shapps with his old Oxford tennis chum Lord Feldman.

Various people whose parents went to state schools have been promoted.

Meanwhile Boris is waiting in the wings to take over the people’s party when Dave decides its his turn for Ibitha.

Back in NW1 the zero hour builders who bridge lunch to tea in the pub are offering extra security to locals frightened by reports that Scottish people have been sighted recently.

Conversations now regularly include the phrase “some of my best friends are…” completed with names remembered from Jimmy Shand’s New Year’s Eve specials of the last century. Social calendars are adding in key dates like Burns night and Jimmy Krankie’s birthday whilst a weather eye is kept out for itinerant odd-speaking MPs looking for lodgings.

And then there’s El Nino.

(The Labour Party is on holiday.)

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