Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Mancunian Candidate.



You have to hand it to Ed Miliband and everyone has very happily done so for the past five years.

But, with only eight days to go to the election, and Ed resolutely unhanded, panic has broken out.

The street of shame has been forced to abandon its “get the geek” campaign following the Labour Leader’s morphing into Frank Sinatra. His meeting with Russell Brand has produced the usual “meet the nutter” mentions expected from meeting a nutter called Russell Brand.

But, Ed seems to have even relaxed his way out of this one following his recent conversion into a human - albeit one whose legs still appear wrongly attached at the hip.

Critical eyes instead have been turned on Dave for a campaign in which lustre - like his parliamentary majority - has gone missing. Thus the appearance on the streets, or at least a few selected factory floors, of a man who has forgotten his jacket.

What else can be said of someone who having been told to ‘roll up his sleeves’ has proceeded to do just that.

If, of course, he was just Dave, the punters pal, then his appearance, elbows akimbo, would pass without comment. In real life however he is David William Donald Cameron, lineal descendant of King William IV, and a man who has a man whose job it is to roll up his sleeves.

Apart from not being in the sleeve rolling business, Dave is also not in the business of using phrases like “bloody lively”. 

Again this job would have been deputed to ‘the sleeve roller’ who has probably been doing it for the family since King Billy.

Instead we have a slightly overcooked Prime Minister, pan stick melting before the eyes, telling alarmed Tory matriarchs that he is ‘pumped up’.

All eyes will now start swivelling towards the last major non-confrontation of the campaign, tomorrow night’s Question Time on the BBC.

Dave’s initial refusal to appear with Ed, not to mention Nick Clegg - which nobody will - now seems astute.

The three men will take turns in front of the Question Time audience and its angry host David Dimbleby.

His anger can be guaranteed since Ed and Dave will adopt their normal practice at Prime Ministers Questions and answer the question not asked.

Nick will answer the question asked and everyone will ignore his answer.

Whether the Prime Minister turns up in a shirt with its sleeves rolled up is obviously a question only his valet - and Lynton Crosby - can answer.

If Ed emerges victorious from the contest, Fleet Street’s finest will declare Dave the winner.

They will also name him the winner if Nick does well, David Dimbleby abandons the programme and the studio burns down.

Meanwhile it can be revealed that even at this late stage The Hunt for Red Ed continues.

Standby for the remake of the cold war classic The Manchurian Candidate in which our hero, the Labour leader, has had a computer chip inserted into his head by a Russian.

Another Russian, called Zinoviev, will reveal all to the Daily Mail in a letter in time for publication next Thursday morning.