Wednesday, January 21, 2015

#pmqsketch ...The Walking Dead

The zombie parliament, it is reported, lasted just three hours on Monday - and just 30 minutes this morning.

With the general election - and the dole - the only thoughts on the minds of MPs, the House of Commons is now just where you pick up your wages.

They must have been paying out at 12.30 since the chamber was packed at noon with MPs for Prime Ministers Questions. Ed Miliband, having promised four million conversations between now and May 7th, surprisingly decided to have one of them with David Cameron.

The Labour leader’s chats with the PM follow the time-honoured pattern of insult followed by insult squared and the occasional insult-to-the-power-4.

On a good day for Ed, Dave bursts out of his brylcreem, shouts, boils over and levitates in the general direction of his paramedics. But, that was before he spent the back end of last week with his new bro’, the leader of the free world.

The PM wasn’t exactly short of self-confidence before spending 24 hours wining and dining with Barack in the West Wing. So, one can only imagine the excess baggage charged for the extra chutzpah that came back with him

Sadly for Ed then, it was Mr Insufferable who faced him across the Despatch Box for the weekly spat.

And it has to be reported it was the aforementioned Mr I who was still standing at the end of the encounter.

Ed, who had spent the back end of last week in Sheffield, tried his best to get on terms with his star spangled opponent. There was a half-hearted attempt to get some emotion up over the latest delay to the publication of the Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq War.

But, with too many fingers on both sides stuck into this particular pie, no-one was pushing too hard. Even those who will only die happy when Tony Blair is dragged before some tribunal somewhere seemed to accept pleasure deferred.

With his sycophants now in full lick, Dave would have breezed through the rest of PMQs had not some rude Welshman made a crack about “whoever might be PM” when the report finally came out.

That thought was enough to transfer attention down the front bench to the austere figure of Home Secretary Theresa May, now accepted as a major contender if Dave slips.

Theresa, who has clearly been taking lessons in gargoylism from Vince Cable, moved not a muscle. Then again, neither did Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond, who is said to entertain leadership ambitions in a parallel universe. Which is where Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt seemed to spending his time by the look on his face.

And missing from Dave’s side today, Chancellor George, who Tory insiders say has now abandoned his own ambitions to be next Tory leader. Having accepted that he is seen as someone from The Walking Dead, George has decided Theresa will get the job over his corpse.

Instead, having happily fagged for one Eton boy Dave, he is now prepared to do it for another, Boris.

But, of course Boris has to get elected and that brings us back to that damn general election.