Wednesday, January 14, 2015

#pmqsketch Vote Green, get Dave.



It was the sight of Theresa May in a fetching little green camouflage outfit that signalled it was the Tories turn to go military this week.

Last week, if you remember, it was Ed Milband who got ahead of the game by “weaponising” the National Health Service. This week it was time to deploy Dave’s divisions as the boys got their toys out for Prime Ministers Questions.

Often PMQs can seem totally irrelevant to the electorate and today certainly had its moments. But, there was time before irrelevance set in for a brief battle over the issue of the day - who wants to be on the tele.

To recap: Dave wanted TV debates between the party leaders in 2010 when he was on the outside looking in. 
“It would be feeble”, he said at the time, for any leader to back out.

But five years and a flat in No 10 is more than enough time to change your mind. Now, says Dave, it would apparently be extra-feeble to take part.

But, as the truth is, as usual, not an option, he has had to invent the absence of the Greens as his reason to say no. The slimness of this defence could be measured by the drafting in, advance of PMQs, the massed bands of the various Tory regiments.

Their job was to launch into full volume as soon as anyone mentioned TV debates and thus Ed’s introduction of the subject must have been heard by anyone with a window open in Westminster.

To follow the military theme, Dave had been accompanied to the confrontation by the already mentioned Theresa, a general in any man’s army.

Present too, Chancellor George, in charge of battle strategy, and an increasingly mournful Michael Fallon, in charge of what remains of Britain’s armed forces. Also in sight, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, the Baldrick of the front bench.

On a hiding to nothing, rictus grins appeared to have been pinned to the mouthpieces of the various mouthpieces.

Ed had apparently got up early this morning and persuaded Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage to join him in poking Dave with a sharp stick marked TV debates.

As Nigel has yet to be let through the doors of the Palace of Westminster, it was left to Ed and the man officially known as the Deputy Prime Minister to bash the man known as the Prime Minster. Actually Nick is officially meant to keep schtum during PMQs but he got so carried away this morning that he muttered unintelligibly during the PM’s defence.

Ed meanwhile was also muttering unintelligibly since the Tory massed bands were trying to drown him out. But the word “frit” and “Lady Thatcher” made it through the murk emphasising just how cowardly Dave was accused of being.

Now it is obvious that the Prime Minister did not get where he is today by a) Always telling the truth and b) By not having enough brass to encase both his neck and upper body.

Bearing both the above in mind, he shrugged off Ed’s charges with many references to his new BFFs, the Greens.

They were being unfairly treated by being excluded, said Dave as George nodded sagely in agreement. Indeed, he said, why was Ed so “frit” of the Greens, not to mention Nick, who he ignored, and Nigel, who was having a swift one somewhere in Brussels.

The broadcasters could leave an empty seat if he would not take part, they said.

Nobody asked how many empty seats if he did.