Wednesday, January 07, 2015

#pmqsketch "The NHS is not a weapon", said Dave as he skewered himself.

The waiting time for accidents and emergencies was cut from four hours to just four minutes in Westminster this morning.

A 48 year old man needed intensive care after falling under the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. 

Bearing more than a passing resemblance to David Cameron, the victim involved was mugged at an event bearing passing resemblance to Prime Ministers Questions.

You could tell an accident was on its way since the PM had parked Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt next to him. Jeremy is only allowed near Dave when he needs something to kick, so suitably padded up, he sat silently petrified as PMQs got underway.

Both knew extra pants would be needed as soon as they saw the ‘pop’ papers last night leading on the hospitals crisis.

When Labour declared the NHS its battlefield of choice last week for the coming General Election, no-one was surprised. But even they could not have forecast what would occur just in time for Dave’s first meeting of election year with Ed Miliband.

Dave already had that slight sheen of the over-nervous as he arrived to the equally over-nervous braying of the usual suspects.  Ed meanwhile had to be held down as he strained to stuff various parts of the NHS down the Prime Ministerial throat as soon as possible.

Back from his holidays, the Labour leader still looked as if a few extra bacon sandwiches would do him no harm. He had ended 2014 on a bit of a downer having found a surprising number of wrong places to park his mouth. All that was forgotten however as he proceeded to stick the health service and its problems up the nose of the PM.

Normally Dave would reply with a slice of routine bullying but with patients on trolleys involved, his advisers had clearly warned him to play nice. But with Ed climbing further and further up the Prime Ministerial snout, something had to give - and it was Dave’s temper.

As Jeremy gathered all his limbs together to make himself a smaller target, Nick Clegg, making a rare appearance as Deputy PM, didn’t know whether to twist or bust.

Having declared UDI from the coalition before Christmas he seemed happy to be on both sides as Ed and Dave swopped insults.

Ed pressed on with a “useless” building up to a “disgusting” as he warmed up, tossing in a “betrayal” for good measure.
Dave trumped Ed’s “disgusting” with one of his own and charged the Labour leader with wanting to “weaponise” the NHS.

Although nobody really knew what this meant, words of a military nature hold a special place in the House of Commons. They have the ability to bring the officer class to attention and Tory MPs lent forward as the PM repeated the charge.

Labour MPs, opposed to weaponisation by anyone, particularly their own side, stared suspiciously.

“The NHS is not a weapon”, said Dave, who had just skewered himself on it.

Just 17 weeks to go!