Wednesday, October 01, 2014

#cpc14- David Cameron, Vicky Pollard and the swivel-eyed loons

The Conservative Party abandoned its search for swivel-eyed loons momentarily at lunchtime when it tracked them down to a hall in Birmingham. Here they were happy to discover not all nutters had quit for UKIP and enough remained to provide an audience for David Cameron.

The PM would be rounding off, hopefully in happiness, what had started in disaster just four days ago. Dave’s greatest hits played on video as the camera-acceptable were shuffled to their seats. And suddenly, looking as if he’d be pushed on out of the wings, he was there polished from tonsure to toe.

In the audience, even some of the women were wearing ties.
Cabinet Ministers sat to attention and in the wings wannabe MPs looking forward to future gravy trains. In the balconies, the backers - hot-foot from Manchester - just in case Dave confounds his critics and is still in charge next year.

In times past, Tory leaders only arrived on the last day of a conference usually described as an irrelevance. But Nigel Farage has ended the happy days when constituencies votes could be weighed in. Now you need a man with a plan and an audience to at least listen to it.

Back in the day, insults about Labour, the unions, anybody called Arthur and anywhere passed Dover and the job was done. But now they all look much of a muchness, the old insults need updating.

To be fair to the PM he had a lectern, a speech and autocue, which put him on another planet from that of planet Ed Miliband last week.

The first 20 minutes were fairly flat as dave reviewed the past year and expressed some slight relief the U part of the UK was still there.

The delegates started taking water to stay awake and minds wandered back to this time yesterday and Boris.

It was Harold Wilson who once said a week was a long time in politics. Well today, Dave clearly decided two days was long enough.

Readers will remember how on Monday Chancellor George sad times were still tough and cheered Tory delegates with a plan to further bash the working poor. The books that he was going to balance by 2015 would not now be balanced until at least 2018 and to make up the deficit benefits would be cut again. But that was apparently before the Prime Minister bumped into Vicky Pollard and borrowed her book on “yes but, no but”, economics.

Yes, nasty George would be squeezing a further £25bn out of the economy but that would lead to a new tax threshold of £12,500. Polite applause from delegates as they started around them for anybody for whom this would make a difference.

But then ecstacy as Dave announced a new £50k ceiling for those paying 40p in the pound. Union jacks, handily poked down the back of every seat, were suddenly spontaneously produced.

The Health Service was still safe in their hands, he said, which was useful news for the wanna-bes who’d clapped themselves stupid.
“I don’t claim to be the perfect leader”, said Dave as spontaneous applause joined the spontaneous  flag-waving.

“But I’m the only one you’ve got ”, said his body language as he left.