Wednesday, June 25, 2014

PMQs Sketch 25th June - Ed and Dave. The Leveson defence.

David Cameron was named today as the first Prime Minister to knowingly employ a criminal in Downing Street.
This obviously set him apart from his predecessors who had employed many criminals at No.10, hopefully unknowingly.

You could tell the leader of the Conservative Party was in serious trouble by the roars of support from his own back benches even before he spoke.

There is nothing quite like the volume of loyal disloyalty generated by an appearance of Dave in front of his own.
Indeed the mathematical equation Dave + disloyalty = volume can be applied.

So, it was with double decibels that he turned up at Prime Ministers Questions to answer the charge he knew Andy Coulson was a crook before yesterday’s jury agreed.

Andy, if you remember, was employed as mouthpiece-in-chief by the PM having been recruited by Chancellor George because he knew people who had not been to public school. Having majored in honesty and fair dealing whilst editor of the News of the World, he was judged just the man to spread the word of Dave. If that was not good enough, Andy also revealed he had the phone number of Rupert Murdoch, the clincher in any deal. Until he admitted he had more than several phone numbers he shouldn’t have.

And so it came to pass that Dave was due in the dock this morning at a neatly scheduled PMQs just 24 hours after Mr Coulson was placed at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.

With three years and eight months to prepare for today’s event it was no surprising that Dave and his defence team had practiced their answers.

Mr Frank Apology and his brother Profound, had been pre-booked for last night and performed as expected.

But crunch time was expected today when Labour and its leader Ed Miliband, armed with the same three years and eight months, would launch their onslaught.

Indeed Dave had either applied a paler pan stick or the thought of what was to come had lightened his tan.
His boot boys were so bothered that the cheers that greeted the PM’s appearance matched those of England’s supporters before the Uruguay kick-off. And they kept up the volume as Ed got to his feet flashing the trademark Miliband gnashes.

Would there be a Suarez-like attack on Dave’s soft parts or just a general kicking.

From the off it was clear that the Prime Minister had decided to play the Leveson defence with Dave up front but Lord L covering all other positions.

Ed, for whom football is sadly not his game, had several goes at the goal with accusations that Dave knew Andy was a crook and did nothing.

But, having blocked the corridor of uncertainty with Lord L, the PM played for time and eventually Ed’s ran out.

The Labour whips had lined up a few usual suspects to try to keep the game going but you could see their hearts were not in it.

It was not Labour’s finest hour, or their second or third and sadly worthy of Tory charges of “weak, weak, weak,’ to judge by the reactions of the people’s party.

As Ed slipped off for yet another inquest Dave went to lunch and Andy Coulson headed  home to await his fate.

Meanwhile out in the sun somewhere Rebekah Brooks, head of all she surveyed but, according to the jury, responsible for nothing.
As she used to say to Dave; LoL.