Wednesday, June 11, 2014

PMQ's June 11th - Ed and Dave make a balls of it!

Luck ran out for England football fans today when both David Cameron and Ed Miliband pledged their support for the national team as the World Cup kicked off. It was a display of unity echoed only by that of FA chairman Greg Dyke who ran his finger across his throat when the draw was announced. And those who believe England chances of advancement are minimal should note this slice of unity lasted just two minutes.

Normal service was then resumed as the two abandoned their Panini stickers for the first Prime Ministers Questions in a month. Much water under the bridge, and several other clich├ęs, since they last met and some of them were sitting on the front bench.

There Home Secretary Theresa May, and there too, her new bestie Education’s Michael Gove, both needing only the slim form of the Defence Secretary Philip Hammond to keep them apart.
Relegated down the bench the somnolent form of Eric Pickles now a substitute after playing a blinder as a buffer on Monday.

Up then on his feet the Labour leader surely rested after month in which defeat was drawn from victory in the local and European elections. 

Since his last PMQs, Mr Miliband has been visited by Obama’s election guru David Axelrod who advised him to “dare to lose” in the run up to the general election. Ed, whose critics will argue he’s been taking the Axelrod advice since 2010, had a number of open goals to aim at.
But, ever contrary, he decided instead to meander down the MI back to Birmingham with an intellectual inquiry into school governing.

Starved of red meat for a month Tory backbenchers could only bay at the ceiling as they failed to find this subject on their prompt card.

Across the chamber Labour MPs, buoyed up by their poll lead collapsing to two per cent this morning, not to mention a record drop in unemployment, checked their phones. Then Ed mentioned passports, Labour MPs looked up, Tory MPs looked down and Dave looked scared.

Was the PM aware, asked the new Ed, that the nation could not go on holiday because of the passport crisis. The thought of angry voters brought a sudden stillness to the chamber.

Dave, whose tan betrayed the fact that his passport is clearly working, got out his spectacles. 
Let no one accuse the PM of self-pride, even if his hairdresser did get the OBE, but he doesn’t like wearing the specs. Body language experts must make what they like then of the fact that they remained nailed to his nose as he read the official excuse.

There was no crisis, he said, and anyway if there was, Home Secretary Theresa May had the answer. Michael Gove had his head down but was that a smile shining through his skull. Realising he was at last ahead of the game Ed too his bows and sat down the cheers, jeers and general relief

As Dave struggled out of the hole he had fallen in, back benchers rushed to his aid with series of questions on jobs which if fingerprinted would see the arrest of the whips office. He celebrated success up and down the country with his own members and stuck it down the throats of any in the Labour side who complained.

But his finest moment came, as it do often does, when a Labour MP, played him on with the question he’d had the answer for since six o’clock this morning.
He should ask England manager Roy Hodgson for tips on team discipline, said the Labour daft lad.

One-nil down and his supporters marooned in the corridor of uncertainty (honest, I’ve read it) Dave finally got his chance.
He had already got the dream team, said he PM, as he rolled out the lines he’d practised since breakfast.

There was Theresa May and Michael Gove, he said, brandishing to his left. Bollocked on Sunday for disunity maybe, but de-bollocked today for the opposite.

There too, he added, pointing the Dave digit, the team’s star centre forward Chancellor George fresh, apparently, from an early morning meeting with R2D2 (honest again).

The extra terrestrial should not be confused with Phiilip Hammond, sitting next to the Chancellor, who George does not meet. It has to be recorded that - with a reshuffle ever imminent - Mr Hammond was not mentioned in the dream team.

Nor indeed sadly, not even in despatches, was Eric. 

Fans should note that Nick Clegg has yet to offer an opinion.