Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Euro elections - Nutty Nigel, the democratic deficit.

So come tomorrow are you going to vote for the loopy, the looney, the crazy, the cranky and the fruitcakes - or are you going to vote for UKIP. 

At last, the contest none of us have been waiting for will stagger to an end; Nigel will be sectioned again and Dave, Ed and Nick will go back on holiday.

But, before we book the men in white coats to pop down to the pub and pick up the Dear Leader might there just be something up. Opinion polls certainly suggest that come tomorrow night we will have re-versioned our attitude to Europe from total to absolute contempt.

Meanwhile in our town halls, new councillors - many still in their straitjackets - will be ending decades of twinning with Johnny Foreigner. Next week will see a ban on spaghetti shop, tapas and German lager not made in Manchester. The doors to Dover will be nailed shut and anyone found on the streets during licensing hours will have to blow into a sherbet dip.

With the nation quivering with indifference, the leaders of out main political parties are touring those parts of the country they still feel safe in.
For Nick Clegg this means two places in Devon, the dry cleaners and that nice cafe around the corner that does latte with soya milk.

Having been under armed guard in Scotland, Dave is staying down south with Boris signed up as his Mr Blobby substitute.

That just leaves Ed who made a bit of a bollocks of being let out among real people yesterday. Out again today, he was on a hiding to nothing as the free press deferred to their owner’s instructions and did him over again.

Tomorrow is apparently all about placings. Ed must come first, or he will have failed; Dave must come second, or he will have failed and Nick - who has already failed - must be in bed by 10 o'clock.

Nigel, it appears, must come first, second and third to win and, anyway, will be immediately told the result is irrelevant. But the nation’s favourite nutter seems unbothered by the advent of popular power and plans to spend the summer appointing spokespersons to cover those subjects he’s short on.

Standby then for the assorted thoughts of those whose only ambition up till now was to fill the Channel Tunnel with concrete. They will be sharing their party with dozens of local councillors who want to see the passports of bin men, a ban on Beyonce and flares back in fashion. But they will be in power by popular acclaim - even if it’s only twenty per cent of popular acclaim - and therein lies the rub.

Come Sunday night we could see a dozen Ukip MEP’s and who knows how many
councillors.

Dave will panic to the right, Nick will pull up the bedclothes but will Ed just panic.

If Nigel is right - and even he can’t be wrong all the time - he will nick votes from Tories and Labour nationally and locally.

Dave will immediately turn to the Sun drawer of popular remedies but Ed has already
followed him as far as possible down this road.

Now the Labour leader has to persuade his dis-affected yet again that he’s on their side.
A vote for Ukip may well be a vote for none of the above but there is now only 12 months left to the "only election that counts". 
That is apart from that little referendum Scotland in September, which could make much of the above irrelevant.

But, of course, the chances of Scotland voting for independence must be as likely as Ukip winning an election.