Thursday, February 13, 2014

The UK storm, 2014 - It never rains but it pours

Journalists throughout Britain breathed a huge sign of relief as the storm-to-end-all-storms took the day off to give the nation's cliches a chance to rest and recuperate. Phrases ranging from "the worst in living memory" to "the end of the world as we know it" booked into hotels for a lie down. 

Boarding houses in seaside resorts said they were packed with exhausted "life-threatenings"  worn out having been repeated around the clock for the past fortnight. 

Words like "disaster"," and "terrifying" could be seen slumped in pubs being babbled incoherently, as individual letters were seen red-eyed with over use.

Meanwhile, the users themselves were also taking time out to re-read The Sun in case there were any they had missed. 

Channel 4 was urgently seeking shorter correspondents since Jon Snow's decision to go tabloid and stand in water for his links. Unfortunate camera work showed the wild Thames merely lapping at his ankles. With its restricted budget the Channel has decided a smaller presenter would be cheaper than trying to raise the level of the Thames.

The 24-hour news channels, who have been searching for a proper story for months, were said to be considering reporting from municipal baths if the storm-to-end-all-storms continues.
A leaked memo said that as long as a tight enough shot was taken of a reporter they could use the deep end of the local pool.

News bosses, deliriously happy at the first 24 hour story since the last one, have been flooding the floods with correspondents. Some villages on the Somerset Levels now have a reporter for each inhabitant, with two for those with running water.

Now that the storm-to-end… etc has moved to a more convenient neighbourhood on the Thames many more presenters have volunteered for the front line.

"You can have lunch at Soho House and be on screen for tea" said one famous face as the office bought her new Berghaus. With the happy threat of more mayhem to come, money is allegedly changing hands as wily locals sign up to their favourite broadcaster.

Premium payments are going to those who have already embarrassed important visitors and coaching classes laid on in village halls. Meanwhile again, new words like "hydrology" are also being drafted in to give their older now care-worn cousins a breather. New experts are also being dredged up as the usual suspects take time off to have their opinions up-dated and re-treaded.

With Easter running late this year - and the Government running frightened - special payer services will be organised at St Brides to keep the chaos going. The Super Soaraway already has people in the US seeking out rain dancers in case there is any sign of dryness.

If they can keeper going until July 15 then it will be St Swithin's Day and God can take over.