Wednesday, November 20, 2013

You Really Couldn't Make It Up....

It was when Dave mentioned "mind-changing substances" that the House of Commons finally started to make sense.
 
Until then today's performance of the weekly pantomime known as Prime Ministers
 
Questions had remained as impenetrable as ever.
 
But, now there was at least a clue to why the leaders of the country's biggest political parties looked as if they had whatever was the reverse of the bends. It was the day that both Dave and Ed decided levitation was the only way ahead in a rare score draw at PMQs, dominated so often in recent weeks by the Labour leader -and he should never have had a look in.
 
Where was he to go after all with a gay crystal Methodist doubling as a dope fiend (alleged of course) and chairman of the Co-op bank. Where indeed, with an acquaintance (alleged of course) with a liking for ketamine and cocaine, whilst wearing a dog collar. Drugs, rent boys and a £50,000 donation to the other Ed and even the Daily Mail might get away with saying you couldn't make it up.
 
So, you can only imagine the pleasure with which the normally beleaguered of the Conservative Party welcomed the arrival of the Reverend Paul Flowers on the public stage in time for this week's Prime Ministers Questions.
 
Picture the scene at Central Office as details of the behaviour of the not-so-Reverend emerged over the past few days.
 
Surely retribution at last for the insufferable Ed's and an end to the weekly humiliation of Dave? What more could any decent Tory MP want? 
 
Well, step forward Nicholas Edward Coleridge Boles, Member of Parliament for Grantham and Stamford and Junior Minister in the Department of Communities and Local Government (for the moment anyway). This would be the perfect day, thought Nick, to denounce his own party as "aliens from another planet" to the nations young voters. It would also be useful to remind his fellow MPs they were still seen as the party of the rich and only disaster loomed unless they changed tack. Having handed over this get out of jail free card Nick then did the decent thing and like the Rev went on the run (alleged of course).
 
And so it was in the absence of both that Ed and Dave met to slag each other off.
 
There is nothing like a good sleaze story to get the House of Commons going - and this was nothing like a good sleaze story - but it was good enough.
 
Come clean on the Rev, demanded Dave, who revealed he'd found a spare public inquiry into the affair in his back pocket.
 
Come clean yourself, said a rattled Ed, as both manoeuvered off the floor and into that space where insults can be more easily swopped. By now both had withdrawn their index fingers from their scabbards and only the Despatch Boxes prevented imminent harm.
 
Decompression chambers were put in standby and Speaker Bercow joined the off-the-floor experience as noisy mayhem brought him to his feet. Appeals for calm were happily ignored as both sides called for more as each of their leaders put heat where light might have been found.
 
Dave lost it a bit and then Ed lost it a bit and then the Speaker lost it a lot.
 
Meanwhile, another Nick - Clegg this time - looked as if mind-changing substances would not go amiss whilst Chancellor George and Ed B made it obvious they didn't need them.
 
And then it was 12.30 and the bars were open.