Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Local Elections - the results!


With election day just hours away, the mood is best summed up by that noted parliamentary sage Sir Alex Ferguson - squeaky bum time.

As our political leaders make their final visits to parts of the country they have never heard of to mug unsuspecting shoppers their number crunchers are preparing to deliver whatever verdict they can get away with on the result. Thus, the Tories have forecast the end of the world as we know it to cover up an expected hammering. 

Labour suggest modest gains to cover up hoped - for success and the Lib Dems forecast it will be Friday on Friday as the only certainty they can guarantee. But, the previous paragraph is actually a time-warp borrowed from the past because what none of them know - and all of them fear - is the unmeasurable effect of what they politely call the nutters party on the result.

We have already been told that the United Kingdom Independence Party has been persuading traditional Tories that there is still a future for those who believe in those things you can only whisper these days. What is worse however, is that UKIP is said to be having an impact on the Labour vote as its traditional supporters cast around for something to get a hold of whilst its leaders spend their time working out who they are not rather than who they are.

This has led Ed-don't-call-me-red-because-I-don't-think-I-am-and-certainly-not-at-the-moment-Miliband to fall foul of Martha Kearney on the World at One when she wrong-footed him by asking what his policies were. She did the same to Dave today who had clearly been told by his advisors not to admit to the existence of UKIP which left the Prime Minister sounding like a few sandwiches short of a lunch. (Talking of which, Nick Clegg did the programme earlier in the week.)

Meanwhile everywhere else - but not accorded THE interview - could be found the man giving them all dyspepsia, Nigel Farage.

Mrs Thatcher, as we all know, set out on her final journey last week, but anyone meeting Nigel must think that her beloved Denis has made a sudden return. This means getting a fix on the UKIP leader desperately difficult since he has clones propping up golf club bars from Lands End to John 'O Groats. (Although, come to think of it, I'm not too sure about the latter.)

Nigel has a simple and polite political philosophy, "Can we go back to where we were please." (Oh! And leave the EU.) This is obviously attractive to those who believe conservative should mean what it says on the box and not what Dave and his posh mates have decided it should say. But, it is also finding traction amongst supporters of the other parties who take the view that going backwards to happy memories is better than going forward to a grim and grimmer future.

Obviously Nigel, has a few problems with his sudden popularity and critics have been keen to point out that the party's economic policy appears to have been worked out on the back of a Farage fag packet. Jaundiced voters might take the view that this is the approach Chancellor George might more usefully have used in drawing up his own plans - not to mention Labour for whose economic intentions a fag packet provides too much space at the moment.

Nigel also has the annoying habit of going everywhere with a smile on his face, particularly after opening time, unlike Dave, who has to frown because of the hard times we are going through, and Ed, because of the hard times he has planned for us. They should both remember that over in Italy a third of the population recently voted for a professional comedian Beppe Grillo to lead them forward.

The results come out on Friday but we can give you a sneak preview tonight.
It will be a "much better than forecast " result for the Tories who will say hanging on to any seats is a clear sign that times have changed. Central Office who will also point out that Labour have made "disappointing" gains bearing in mind they fancy themselves as the next Government and have failed to make inroads into the south. They will try to avoid discussing UKIP.

Labour will claim "collapse" for the Tories, indifference to the Lib Dems and  "significant gains". They will try to avoid discussing UKIP. Both parties will rubbish the Lib Dems who will be glad just to get a mention - and they too will try to avoid UKIP.

Nigel meanwhile will order a pint, light a fag and smile that smile.