Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Another Labour success!

This space had been reserved to record the evisceration of Theresa May by Jeremy Corbyn over Donald Trump’s ban on Muslims. It’s still available.

It was to have been the Labour leader’s finest hour but it wasn’t even his ok five minutes.

Donald had done his best, spraying the United States with enough intolerance to warm the heart of anyone who has ever read the Guardian.
Theresa May had chipped in with an invite to Buckingham Palace and a deaf ear to dirty dealings.

It should have been a slam dunk for a man with 30 years behind the barricades.
But it was Theresa who emerged unscathed from Prime Ministers Questions which she is now making her own.

Labour MP’s had turned up anticipating a rare victory for the man most privately hope would go and lead somebody else.
And even the Prime Minister and her bully boys seemed uneasy as the Speaker blew the whistle for the kick-off.

But, within minutes of Jeremy standing up, normal service was resumed.
Labour MPs got back to their search for a new jobs and bully boys back to bellowing ‘more’.

They almost roared off the roof as Mrs M put the final boot in:
“He is leading a protest; I am leading the country.”

As Tory MPs prepared a victory march down Whitehall, Speaker Bercow intervened to restore calm - he threw them Tigger.

It’s been reported here before that just when MPs seem ready to call a day on democracy, introducing Tim Farron into the proceedings restores calm.
For those not in the know, Tim is the rather enthusiastic leader of the Liberal Democratic Party.

Unbowed by their slump from 75 MPs to just 9, he manages to infuriate all apparently just by breathing.
The Tories might hate Labour and both the SNP, but all happily unite in despisingTim.

The Speaker also usually ignores him, but  today, sensing revolution in the air - or a late lunch -  he relented.
No sooner had his name been called than normal hostilities ceased.

Boris sat back, smiles broke out amongst the massed ranks of the SNP and even Labour MPs cheered up momentarily.
Speaker Bercow, with a granstand seat, basked in rare popularity and the paramedics were put on standby.

It is usually irrelevant what Tim has to say and today was no exception - although he did say it with a face red enough to cook a ten-egg omelette.
Whatever it was it took at least two minutes.

Then it was back to Brexit - another Labour success.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Just when you thought it could not get any worse.

Jeremy Corbyn turned up for Prime Ministers Questions in a puke green suit - which was just as well.
Just when you thought it could not get any worse it got even worse than you thought it could get.

The Labour Party had promised hand-to-hand combat over Brexit, but they forgot to tell Jeremy.
They had however obviously tipped off Theresa May who proceeded to turn him into a duster and wring him out.

He was meant to pin the PM down, but it was the Labour leader who was stretchered off.

Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry had promised all-out war on Tuesday when cornered on Newsnight
But she sat silently by as the Prime Minister proceeded to disembowel her boss.

His big thing was to be demand a white paper on Brexit, said those who’d also said puce green went with his eyes.
But even before he got up Mrs M announced there would be one.

As Jeremy face started to match his suit, ecstatic Tory MP’s lay on their backs with their legs in the air.
One Labour MP set the tone by walking out as his leader rose to speak.

Jeremy then challenged Government’s plans for post- Brexit workers rights.
Theresa proceeded to slap him with a Sadiq.

Only this morning, London’s Labour mayor, had said he believed them safe in her hands, she said to more Tory ecstasy.
As Jeremy swallowed this latest treachery he decided shouting his way through was the only way out.

But Mrs M wasn’t finished with him just yet.
Pointing a well-manicured finger nail across the aisle she said his shadow Chancellor, Foreign Secretary, Home Secretary and Brexit Minister all had different views.

As they shook their heads in different directions, Jeremy shouted on.

With their leader now oozing satisfaction, her ministers relaxed.
Foreign Secretary Boris, in town for the day, seemed to be kissing himself. Defence Secretary Fallon seemed to be wondering what Boris tasted like.

Chancellor Hammond looked like someone who wondered what he tasted like.

Over on Labour’s benches deputy leader Tom Watson wanted be somewhere else - and behind him so did everyone else.

Jeremy and his suit collapsed back onto the bench - it was all over.
But not just yet.
~For reasons known only to himself, Speaker Bercow, decided to call Ed Miliband.

The former Labour leader, in purdah, or at least NW1, since the election rose to more cheers in a minute than he’d had in his five years in the post.
Labour MP’s, short on memory, perked up; Tory MP’s, remembering past victories, shouted even louder.

Jeremy slipped on the rictus grin that Ed used to wear so well.
Then it was over - for now.

Friday, January 20, 2017

this one will run and run.

Those who are humble will inherit the earth, said the pastor, Not while I’m in charge, said the 45th President of the United States

And so began the reign of Donald J. Trump.As he started to speak, it started to rain; both ain’t going to stop any time soon.

The day had begun with the Donald heading off to church for a rare visit.
It ended with him saying god had popped in to promise his support.

In the meantime he rubbished three ex-presidents who’d turned up at the ceremony, wrote off  all eight years of Obama and every other American politician since Abraham Lincoln.
As for the rest of the world, it will be America first, last and every other position in between.

But he did at least solve one mystery over his finger-poking, chin-jutting role model.
Step forward Benito Amilcare Andrea Mussolini, better known as Il Duce the occasional Italian dictator. 

His angry chin led his country into the Second World War and kept them in it until 1945 when his electors finally strung him up by his ankles.
Before they finally fell out he had spent many a happy day on various podia promising them the earth.
His  latest impersonator, seemed to have borrowed the Ben book of leadership and re-covered it in the Stars and Stripes.
It went down a storm with the crowd sheltering under ‘ make America great again’ headgear and the occasional National Rifle Association variety.

But it should be pointed out to those seeking to confirm the connection that Benito was as bald as a coot’.
Donald had at least brought his own hair - and apparently someone else’s - along to the ceremony to disprove the theory.

But like Benito - or some other dictator - he could not help himself promising another new millennium.
Ben had spent many a happy hour promising Italians new millenia until they decided to hang him instead.

But that’s probably for another day as the President promised bricklayers on the Mexican border before breakfast, only to buy American and hire American - and apple pie and cream for everyone in the greatest country on earth.

And talking of cream let’s not forget our own Nigel Farage, in Washington to celebrate the success of his new BF.
Cat’s got the cream cannot describe someone who looked as if he’s swallowed the herd and the milking parlour as well.

Meanwhile elsewhere in Washington riot police were out in force to prevent over-enthusiastic fans getting to close to their new leader.

This one will run and run and so will they.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

She spoke in tongues - both said no!

Glossolalia, or speaking in tongues is,  “ the fluid vocalising of speech-like syllables that lack any readily comprehended meaning.” Welcome to the House of Commons.

Wednesday is, as regular readers know, the day representatives of all parts of the UK meet for half an hour before lunch to discuss the state of the nation.

Otherwise known as Prime Ministers Questions, it’s the weekly opportunity for Theresa May not to tell MPs what she has been to.
It is also the chance not to tell them what she plans to be up to. 

She had been spotted yesterday giving some foreign Johnnies a few clues, but today, in front of her own, she stuck to the rules.

PMQs is also the opportunity for the Leader of the opposition to hold the aforementioned to account.
But today Jeremy Corbyn stuck to his rules - and didn’t.

It is only a week since his advisors told him to be more like Donald Trump to get his message out. He’s been confused since.

Equally confused has been Labour’s position on the hot topic of the next two to ten years - Brexit.
Ever since Theresa May declared ‘Brexit means Brexit’, Jeremy has been asking what Brexit means.

He was at it again today and so was Mrs M. He asked, she didn’t answer.

Having been named the new Margaret Thatcher by no less than the Daily Mail this morning, the PM was full of herself.
She emerged to rousing cheers but it was hard to work out if that because of her enablement or the end of Scottish Questions.

This is the monthly half hour before PMQs when home counties MPs gather to learn the language of the hoi polloi - or how they speak north of the border.
The fear on the face of the Scottish Secretary answering to the cohorts of the SNP reminded all to always check if they are being asked for a fight or a drink.

As Mrs M eased her way through PMQs her cabinet dutifully  checked on each others shoes.
Chancellor Hammond had brought his his new inscrutability mask  to try on.
Amber Rudd looked like she was taking mental notes of those to be punished for making her Home Secretary.

But Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt was clear winner in the ‘ most terrified’ section. Would anyone mention the £15m quid he had just trousered from selling off his education listing company whilst leader of the cash-strapped NHS - sadly not today.

As ever, when it comes to Europe, It was veteran Tory MP Ken Clarke who put the well-shaped brogue in.
Ken, who had come in what appeared to be a loosely fitted sofa cover in grey, asked Mrs M if MPs would get a vote on the final deal.

The Prime Minister replied in tongues - both said no.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Even if it's bollocks Jeremy.

You could tell there was trouble afoot by the appearance of the Health Secretary  within slapping distance of Theresa May.
 The fear on his face gave the game away - it was tethered Jeremy Hunt time in the House of Commons.

Actually it was the first outing of the New Year for Prime Ministers Questions , but 
January, the NHS and trouble seem to go hand in hand.
And if winter had not sneaked up on the health service once again, this year another discovery.

More of us have been getting older without telling anyone - apparently until last week.

The news, thankfully, had finally filtered through to the leader of the Labour Party, the other Jeremy.
Finally, because yesterday he had re-launched himself into the political fray by declaring bosses pay and immigration the two key issues on Labour’s agenda.

His advisers are said to have decided to adopt the Donald Trumpian approach to future Corbyn comments.
He will make a statement on policy and as long as it gets headlines it will be seen as a success.

Like the President-Elect, even if it’s bollocks as long as it’s talked about it works.
This morning was therefore very successful since the media happily denounced another 12 hours of Corbyn confusion.

This would have made it an easy day for Theresa May but for the pesky NHS, once safe - said Downing Street Dave - in Tory hands.
With her predecessor now on the gravy train out of town, it was a nervous not quite new PM who turned up at the Despatch Box.

With Jeremy H already staked out, Mrs M had also slipped Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson close by to provide some light relief - which he proceeded to do by ignoring all that followed.

Over on Labour’s side, Jeremy sat flanked by unknown members of his Shadow Cabinet.
Deputy leader Tom Watson was also up close- but hardly ever in contact - as he revealed last week.

Jeremy did brake with tradition by sticking to the same subject for all six of his questions on this, his new key issue.
He started angry and stayed that way as the Prime Minister decided denying there was any real problem was her way out.

Mrs M conceded a “small number of incidents” but said the alleged crisis had been “overblown”. Boris chatted to chums.
As she dodged and dived her own backbenchers were looking increasingly nervous at  ‘overblown’ constituents getting in touch.

Normally the bully boy chorus would rush to her aid but today they left her to swop death stares with Jeremy C - with a bit of braying when they could be bothered.
With nothing resolved both sat down.

Labour MPs, silent during the Corbyn contribution bestirred themselves to boo when a Lib Dem suggested an all-party approach.

Meanwhile Theresa May kept digging out the tissues to mop away winter sniffles.

Not a good week to go to the doctor,


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Mrs Darth Vader and the megatick - Must be PMQs.

Earlier there had been some shouting about the situation in Syria and disquiet over the funding gap in social care.
But that was as nothing when the longest Prime Ministers Questions in history made MP’s late for another Christmas lunch.

Political differences were put apart as all sides groaned their way to the 46th minute of holding the PM to account.
Maybe because it was the last PMQs of the year, or Speaker Bercow hadn’t any invites, but one o’ clock loomed before they could get away.

It had already been a day for political twitchers when the lesser-spotted Leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition was  actually spotted.
Jeremy has gone to ground in recent weeks, weighed down by his popularity outside the Corbynistas.

But the cry ‘megatick’ - twitcher code for a rarely seen bird - went up amongst the anorak’s at noon yesterday.
Having taken last week off when Theresa May was selling stuff to the sheiks, he was  a man refreshed.

Breaking with tradition, he stuck to the same subject and actually got up Theresa May’s nose.
The Government haven’t a leg to stand on when it comes to the crisis in social care funding for the elderly.

Normally Jeremy would start well and fade away when let loose on the PM.
But he has obviously been spending his time on retreat learning his lines.
Theresa May, ready to brush him off as usual, was set back on her heels as the-new-and-improved Jeremy stood up.

Having mouthed the usual platitudes to no avail, the PM retreated to the dark side.
Out popped Mrs Darth Vader, spraying death stares across the aisle.

 But unbowed - although slightly unnerved by support from his own benches - Jeremy got shoutier as she got angrier.

Down the Government front bench, Ministers quickly found shoe-staring a safe occupation.
Behind them a Mexican wave towards the exit as Tory MP’s felt the backwash of Mrs Darth’s unhappiness.

And who else should be found cowering near the door than Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, another his many lives on the line.
Labour meantime looked startled at their leader’s performance none more so that deputy Tom Watson and chief whip Nick Brown.
Both are such men of substance that, were they both to stand up at once, Jeremy would be catapulted back from whence he came.

Speaker Bercow hasn’t really been himself since David Cameron - the mote in his eye - quit.
There was nothing quite like winding up the posh boy before heading off for his speaker sandwiches.

But short of targets and with MP’s increasingly revolting he decided to fall back on the tried and trusted.
  He threw them Tigger - aka Lib Dem leader Tim Farron - and Tim, god bless him, duly obliged.

Wednesday, December 07, 2016

PMQS - Not quite a waste of time.

Imagine, if you can, Robert Peston’s older brother; the same strangulated syntax, the same windmilling arms.
Step forward David Lidington, MP for Aylesbury, Leader of the House of Commons and, for - one lunchtime only - the PM in PMQs.

Theresa May, in case you are wondering, is in Bahrein selling stuff to the Gulf States.
Her absence meant a day down the allotment for Jeremy Corbyn and a sudden panic for the Labour Party.

Jeremy’s official number two is Tom Watson, but when it comes to the Commons he’s suprisingly camera shy.
Thus the apparent promotion earlier this week of Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry to the extra title of Shadow First Secretary.

That in itself means nothing but made Emily available for PMQs. Emily shot to fame during the last election by tweeting a snobby photo of a white van man’s van and his attendant union jacks.

Ed Miliband sacked her into obscurity until she was rescued by her Islington neighbour Jeremy following the revolution.

A barrister by trade, Emily always gives the impression she would lick herself if she could.

And she was on top lick form today as she made another vain bid to get someone on the Government side to say something - indeed anything - about Brexit.
To be fair she broke with Jeremy by asking questions that made sense - and followed each other.

But PM-for-the-thirty-minutes-Lidington had learned well how to ignore her and proceeded to do so.
Never knowingly embarrassed, Emily gave him and his backbenchers enough contempt to take some to lunch with them

Meanwhile Labour’s back benches were emptying out faster than the Kop when Liverpool is losing.

There was a touch of PMQs-past when the Tory boot boys re-convened for a nostalgic shout-in at Emily’s indifference.
Indeed Speaker Bercow happily intervened on several occasions 
as the good old days made a sudden re-appearance.

He let it run until twenty to one but by then they would have been climbing out of the windows - had there been - any to get away.
As it was they show no shame in scuttling for the door and an lunch.